After having identified one of my worst fears.. not being able to give time to my kid, my family.. thought let me see if I can find some solution to this. And the only solution I could think of was striking a balance between personal and professional life.. Ahemm.. easier said than done.. So I felt this topic then and there itself and carried on as usual.
Today while checking official mails, I came across a few new projects which we are going to start and right now are in the initial stages. My work requires quite a bit of travel and it’s the initial stages where I get involved and once the project is commissioned, its handed over to other teams for execution. So when I read about this upcoming project of ours.. I realized.. that now I wont be travelling.. at least for sometime and then series of questions and thoughts started..
- I was disappointed .. as my flexibility to work the way I want to.. travel.. has gone away..
- And specific to this project, it’s a beautiful country where I always wanted to go.. though for a vacation
- Even if my parents are around to take care of my little one.. will I be able to leave her alone??
- What is it that is preventing me to leave her n go.. is it pure care, concern and love OR somewhere I have the fear of being judged.. what will people think.. what kind of mother is she??
- Will there be a pause in my career, my growth.. because of having a child?
- Am I regretting the decision to have a baby?
- Whats more important for me – my work or my baby?
- Am I being insecure? That my office is now used to me not being around and hence if I take some more time to join back, I wont be needed?
And when I honestly answered to myself, I was filled with sense of guilt… how can I think like this? Aint I being self-centered? This is the time when my little one needs me to most.. once she grows up and is involved in her own life.. anyways I will have time for other things.. So why am I anxious now.. why am I feeling unsatisfied from within..
I feel ashamed.. what will my daughter think.. if I had all these questions in my mind.. I just hope.. as the time goes by.. I am able to balance everything.. and be at peace of mind.