I had to record this event – the transformation of my thoughts and feelings by a phone call.
My partner was supposed to go out on a tour with his office colleagues. The celebration was on account of their good performance for the previous month and also promotion of a few colleagues. That definitely is a good news and a reason to celebrate. Agreed. However, the mention of the word “office party” or “office trip” just upsets me. While I do understand not all parties one may want the family to be part of it, but at least one of the many should be fair isn’t it? (That’s the root cause of my disappointment – having expectations). And he is working with a MNC bank and so more is my expectation, that big organisations will not only think of their staff, but also of their families. Not sure about other companies, in his it at least doesn’t happen.
So not being part of any of his celebration on account of professional achievement, does bother me. Apart from such parties, there are also some at personal level like farewell, get-together etc. Here I cannot even dream of being part, since I would be the odd-man out and create an awkward position for my partner as well.
Another aspect for this story is I do not have any social circle like this where I can hang out. I have only a handful of friends, and all of us working in different organisation, or geographies, making it difficult to catch up frequently. May be we are too lazy to make it happen as well. And with my work and now baby, I only am unable to take out time for anything. In fact, now if I think of any enjoyment, I am first faced with a guilt – how can I enjoy without my baby and family? me going out means more responsibility for my parents since they look after my kid while I go to office. So I feel whatever free time I get, I should shoulder more responsibilities. So the thought of me going out for parties, is out of question.
He can go out without any restriction, while I cannot due my personal restriction, adds up to my frustration and disappointment. Call this as being irrational, or simply being jealous !! I have told this to my partner many times and [I feel] there is no impact. This is the background. Without going into analysis of how wrong or right is my thinking and behaviour, will state my recent experience
So when he told me that he would be going out this weekend, that just put me off and since this announcement, I was behaving very detached. My face was clearly showing the feeling of disappointment. I returned from office and my mom told me he has left for his trip. That angered me because he had not informed me. Not even a single message. What all I must have thought – he doesn’t care about me, he is so excited about his party, that he forgot to tell me and so on. An hour or so must have passed and the door bell rang, and lo it was him. I was surprised [and happy thinking his party cancelled.. hurray but dint show this on my face] and was relieved at least he has not gone without letting me know. [Wrong on my part to make such quick judgement]. Then of course the time came when he had to leave, and he kissed me good bye and I did not respond.
Once he reached there, he called me, just to get sense of whether my mood has changed and while hanging up said “love u”. And that was it. The fact that he called me, gave me the assurance that he cares for me so much, and loves me. So what if we are not physically present together. The phone call worked wonders !!!
Thanks honey for that gesture.